What Self-Love Is Not (And What It Actually Looks Like)
If you’ve ever felt confused, frustrated, or even a little guilty when trying to practice “self-love,” you’re not alone.
Somewhere along the way, self-love picked up a reputation for meaning constant positivity, perfect routines, bubble baths, or having it all together. And while those things can be nice sometimes, they’re not the full picture — and for many people, they’re not realistic or sustainable.
At Little Hearts Big Hearts Counseling, we often talk about self-love as something much quieter, more human, and far more compassionate. Let’s gently clear up what self-love is not — and explore what it can look like in real life.
Self-Love Is Not Being Happy All the Time
If self-love required constant happiness, most of us would fail before breakfast.
Feeling sad, frustrated, anxious, tired, or overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re doing self-love wrong. It means you’re human. Emotions come and go, and trying to force yourself into positivity often creates more stress — not less.
Honoring your emotions is self-love.
Even the uncomfortable ones.
Especially the uncomfortable ones.
(Yes, even the “I need a snack and a nap and I don’t know why I’m crying” moments.)
Self-Love Is Not “Pushing Through” When Something Hurts
We’re often praised for pushing through pain — emotionally and physically — but constantly ignoring what hurts doesn’t make it disappear.
Avoiding emotions tends to make them louder. They show up as irritability, exhaustion, anxiety, or that vague sense of “something is off, but I can’t explain it.”
Self-love makes room for hard feelings safely.
It sounds like:
“This is hard, and I’m allowed to slow down.”
“Something feels off — I should pay attention.”
“I don’t have to fix this right now.”
Sometimes self-love is choosing gentleness instead of grit.
Self-Love Is Not Doing Everything “Right”
Self-love does not require optimization.
You do not need to:
Fix every flaw
Improve yourself constantly
Have the perfect routine, mindset, or plan
You are worthy of care exactly as you are — not as a future, more polished version of yourself.
(If self-love required perfection, we’d all be disqualified by laundry alone.)
Self-Love Isn’t Always Treats, Rest, or Comfort
Yes, rest matters. Comfort matters. Treats can be wonderful.
But self-love isn’t only about softness. Sometimes it looks like:
Setting a boundary
Asking for help
Creating structure
Showing up to therapy
Doing the hard, honest thing
Care can be gentle and intentional at the same time.
Self-Love Does Not Mean Handling Everything by Yourself
One of the biggest misconceptions we see: that self-love means independence at all costs.
Needing help does not mean you’re weak.
It means you’re human.
Asking for support — whether from a friend, a family member, or a therapist — is an act of self-respect. You were never meant to carry everything alone.
(If humans were supposed to do life solo, we wouldn’t have invented group chats… or therapists.)
Self-Love Doesn’t Look the Same Every Day
Some days, self-love looks like confidence, motivation, and energy.
Other days, it looks like:
Cancelling plans
Crying in your car
Doing the bare minimum
Letting yourself rest without guilt
Both days count.
Self-love isn’t about consistency — it’s about compassion.
Self-Love Is Compassion (Especially on the Hard Days)
At its core, self-love is not a performance. It’s a relationship — the way you treat yourself when things aren’t going well.
It’s the voice that says:
“This is hard, and I’m still worthy.”
“I can be kind to myself here.”
“I don’t have to go through this alone.”
How Therapy Can Help Redefine Self-Love
For many people, therapy becomes the place where self-love is gently re-learned — not as perfection, positivity, or pressure, but as something realistic and sustainable.
Therapy can help you:
Understand your emotional patterns
Build self-compassion
Set healthy boundaries
Release unrealistic expectations
Learn how to care for yourself without guilt
You don’t have to learn this alone.
Final Gentle Reminder
If self-love has ever felt confusing, exhausting, or out of reach, you’re not broken — you’ve just been given a definition that didn’t fit.
Self-love is allowed to be messy.
It’s allowed to be quiet.
It’s allowed to change day to day.
And when you need support along the way, Little Hearts Big Hearts Counseling is here to help — with compassion, care, and zero pressure to have it all figured out.